Spider Slingers

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until we meet again

I’ve played countless games, but none have touched my arachnid soul quite like Spider Slingers. It’s as if the gaming gods themselves descended from the celestial web and bestowed upon us this masterpiece. From the moment I swung my first web, I knew I was in for an otherworldly experience. The rage-inducing mechanics? Pure genius. The feeling of clinging to threads of silk while hurtling through treacherous obstacles? Divine. And the multiplayer chaos? Like a cosmic dance of spiders across the digital cosmos. As I ascended, my heart raced faster than a caffeine-fueled hummingbird. Each missed swing felt like a cosmic betrayal, and every successful web launch propelled me toward nirvana. The soundtrack? An ethereal blend of adrenaline and stardust. And the character customization? Oh, sweet eight-legged deities, I’ve never cared more about my spider’s appearance. I strutted through lobbies, my arachnid swagger unmatched. “Behold,” I declared, “I am Spinderella, the celestial spinner of fate!” So, dear reader, heed my words: Spider Slingers isn’t just a game; it’s a cosmic revelation. Play it, rage, ascend, and know that somewhere beyond the stars, a spider deity nods in approva…

"Spider Slingers" is one of literally thousands of retro 2D platformers infesting Steam and lowering the average quality of all video games everywhere... and I'm not kidding. Searching for "platformers" on the Steam store page yields over 17,000 results! Is this one of the best of those? Absolutely not. This is what's termed as a "rage platformer", made frustratingly difficult on purpose. What is the point of that? I have no idea. I guess some masochistic gamers like doing this kind of thing to themselves, but it's not a genre I enjoy and it doesn't make 2D retrocrap platformers better, it makes them worse. This one features a web slinging mechanic that other games have done and make better use of. Platforming is an old, mostly dead genre, and this lacklustre experience, while it doesn't have an upfront cost, isn't saving the genre... it's no surprise this failed to capture any attention from gamers in the era of immersive 3D gaming. So this looks like an old 1990's Adobe Flash game that you might play in a web browser, and the problem there is obviously Steam wasn't intended to try compete with Chrome and Firefox. If it can be done in a web browser, it's not even close …

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too ez nah id win